Depression

Little known fact about me, I suffered hugely from post partum depression with Alex for approximately a year.  It was so bad that it continued for about 6 months of my pregnancy with Daniel.  And we're not talking baby blues here.  I was literally crying for every hour that I was awake and Pat wasn't here.  I would count the minutes until Pat got home so I could get a break and I'd call him at work, begging him to come home.

Alex was a difficult baby with non-stop colic for 4 months and he couldn't sleep unless he was being held upright which meant no sleep for me because when you tell a mom to sleep when the baby sleeps, you count on the baby sleeping alone.  In desperation, we finally did the biggest parental no no, put him to sleep on his stomach, despite his frail health.  Miraculously he slept through the night, but I still couldn't stop freaking out about SIDS because of the sleeping position.

Daniel's pregnancy was unplanned and took me by surprise.  I was so horrified over it, and scared about having another baby like Alex that I sunk even deeper into depression.  I would come home after dropping RIck off at school, put Alex in his crib, then start crying from deep within my gut until I'd vomit, then start again.  All I wanted to do was to sleep, but you can't do that with a toddler.  I would wrap myself around the heater on the floor in Alex's room and sleep when he napped and cry when he was awake.  I went to therapy, where the therapist tried to convince me that leaving Pat would be in my best interests. 

I finally snapped out of it, but I was never able to bounce back to where I was before the kids.  I miss the old me, but I'd never give up my kids.  They are what keep me moving from step to step during the day, and they are what define me as the new me.  And my life wouldn't be right without them.